Falling Together

I once heard it said that in a marriage, you have to fall together instead of falling apart. Trials are bound to come, and days will be so busy and stressful that it will feel like anything but happy ever after. It is so easy just to forget about each other and focus on our own private troubles and pain. But if we do that, we will lose touch with our spouse and eventually the whole marriage will unravel. Granted, that's a worst case scenario, but it happens.

It takes a conscious effort to "fall together" during hard times -- a touch as you're walking by, a note or a call to say you love him, a hug shared when things get too much, or the simple words "I understand". The simplest things can go a long way to create intimacy in a marriage. After all, we're partners in this thing, and we're meant to stick together.

The Sacrosanct Marriage Bed

We just got a new bed recently, to replace the birch tree bed Kevin made for us when we got married. It was a special bed -- Kevin had carved our initials into it and each of our children's. It was a good bed, just falling apart. Thinking about our bed has reminded me of a few things. We made a resolution very early on in our parenting lives that we were going to keep our bed for just the two of us.

It's not that we don't love our kids or want to exclude them. In fact, it's quite the opposite. We want to give our children the kind of confidence that comes from knowing that their parents have a secure marriage that will act as a safety net for the whole family. We also want them to be able to go into their later childhood, teen and adult years comfortable with their own space and able to fall asleep on their own without fear.

It started right from the beginning. Aside from the first night in bed with us as an adjustment period from hospital to home, we decided our children would not sleep in the bed with us. After the first night, our babies moved into a bassinet in our room for a week or two until they were used to that. Then, usually when we couldn't take waking up to every little noise, we moved the babies into their own rooms. Of course, we still have the odd Saturday morning snuggle with the kids, but it is always on our own terms.

There are other ways we try to keep our bed (and room) a special place for just us. The kids don't play in there or bring toys in. I make the bed daily and keep the room tidy, attractive, and peaceful. And if we have an argument in the evening, we resolve it before we get into bed to avoid lingering hostility.

There's a powerful association with place that begins for human beings right from the start of life, and it works with this, too. That's why the bible specifically says to "keep the marriage bed holy". It speaks symbolically, but I think it also has a point literally, too. You'd be surprised how much paying a little attention to keeping your bed special and set apart will do for your marriage.

The Extra Mile

Remember those housewives of the fifties? June Cleaver springs to mind. Okay, I know, I know -- none of us are June Cleaver, and a lot of us don't want to be.

But in June's defense, she did have a point. How often do we bend over backward for neighbours, or people at work, or help out a stranger at the store? Well, I hope we can say sometimes. You know, those random acts of kindness that make the world go round, pay it forward and all that. But then we get home and the sweet tone becomes a harsh yell, the willingness to help goes out the window and we shriek "I'm busy -- do it yourself!" I'm guilty of it as much as anyone.

I want to be a little more Cleaverish. I'd like to remember that my husband and children are a blessing. After all, if we can treat people we barely know with kindness, can't we do that much for our nearest and dearest? I am constantly reminding myself that my family and I are a team, not enemies. Whenever I feel my ire rising at my husband, I stop and think -- why don't I want to help him? Is there any good reason not to iron his shirts or take out the teeny bag of trash when it's full? The only reason that comes to mind is pride, really, and that makes me feel pretty low.

So I iron the shirts, not because he asked me to, but because I want to. Martha Peace, in her book The Excellent Wife calls it going the extra mile. I choose to do deliberate acts of kindness to those I can have the most impact on. And who knows just how far that will go.

Newlyweds?

My husband and I just celebrated our 8th anniversary yesterday. Yep, 8 years. It's not a whole lot, but these days, it's nothing to sneeze at, either. Considering all the things we've been through, we celebrate each year with enthusiasm. We'd like to think we're at least as much in love now as we were 8+ years ago, if not more.

So it was nice to have that confirmed when a salesman at a furniture store (yes, we went furniture shopping for our anniversary -- romantic, I know) said that he thought we were newlyweds. Newlyweds? You should have seen the look on his face when we smiled and told him we had been married 8 years and had four kids.

It got me thinking -- what is it that makes us look like newlyweds? (Besides the fact that we're pretty young -- I was only 21 when we wed.) Well, we hold hands, we call each other cute names (friends used to laugh at us, but I guess they don't notice anymore), we ask each other's opinion. But I think it's more than that. You can't keep that up all the time! There are times when we disagree -- okay, fight.

But I think the difference is, as I've heard it said, we fall together instead of falling apart. When tough things happen, whether external to our relationship or internal, we seek each other out instead of moving further from our spouse by withdrawing or wounding. I think forgiveness has been key for both of us to move beyond the rut of bitterness.

Of course, it always helps to keep the flame alive! The little phone calls, notes, goodbye and goodnight kisses let each other know that we still care.

I guess the bottom line is that if people think we're newlyweds after 8 years, we must be doing something right!

Soli Deo Gloria

So, I've been using this blog sporadically for promo and whatnot. But I've been musing on the idea of using this for more than just book stuff. I'm always brewing with deep thoughts about life, faith, family and just about anything else. It makes sense to write them down, and maybe someone will benefit. Here's hoping someone reads this! So keep an eye out and I'll try to write something every day about something that might apply to life or might be a little entertaining and hopefully deep.

The most important thing as far as I'm concerned is to dedicate this blog, like everything else in my life, to God. It is for His purposes -- as Bach used to sign his work "Soli Deo Gloria" -- To God alone be the glory. So, Father, use this avenue for your glory. Use my hands, my thoughts, and my words to speak to the hearts of people everywhere. Amen.